


You Dont Have to be Invincible

by phoenixfire_19



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies), The Avengers (Marvel) - All Media Types
Genre: BAMF Clint Barton, Canon-Typical Violence, Childhood Trauma, Clint Barton IS A DAD, F/M, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, Lilo and Stitch References, Past Child Abuse, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Protective Clint Barton, Self-Harm, Songfic, Tony Stark Has A Heart, and yes there is a playlist, i dont know how tags work, laura barton is the best, natasha is a smol bean and we must protect her
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-29
Updated: 2020-08-29
Packaged: 2021-03-06 21:41:34
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,769
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26175886
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/phoenixfire_19/pseuds/phoenixfire_19
Summary: After Natasha has her mind mixed up by the Scarlet Witch, Clint takes her and the team back to his safehouse. Tony starts to let his concern and love for Natasha bleed through as he helps her come back to herself and recover from her memories.Playlist: You Dont Have to be Invincible by Saraihttps://open.spotify.com/playlist/3Acl5KermlC3JTprnDMp92?si=bSezF9e4T0O3lfRdVqPTKwplz read the tags for trigger warnings
Relationships: Clint Barton/Laura Barton, Natasha Romanov & Tony Stark
Comments: 2
Kudos: 18





	You Dont Have to be Invincible

\--- Machine: Scott Helman  
“But you're more than bolts.  
Like the city's more than steel and stones.  
Soon your heart is gonna overflow.  
Push you back down you get up again.  
Circuits freeze and androids never dream.  
You're more than a machine.”

“Natasha, I could really use a lullaby!” Tony reached out, desperate.

“Yeah, well, that’s not going to happen. Not for awhile.” Clint`s voice came over the comms. 

“Clint? What`s going on?” Tony asked, trying to divide his attention between the Hulk sized problem in front of him and the rising fear over what was happening at the carrier.

Clint grunted, picking Natasha up. “The witch got her with her mind games. She`s out for the count. I`m taking her back to the Quinjet. Meet us there once you get him back.”

Tony`s heart started beating harder as he heard Clint mutter, “Come on, Tasha. Come back to me.”

And with that, silence descended over the comms. Tony sighed. “I guess its just you and me, buddy.” He rolled his shoulders and headed in.

\--- Carry You: Novo Amor  
“Torn down, full of aching  
Somehow our youth would take the blame  
Worn out, the way we let it stay  
Taught how to celebrate it  
All out, I'd replicate your pain  
Climb down, if only for a taste”

Tony walked into the Quinjet as a cloud of disappointment and guilt settled over the group. Thor and Steve paced back and forth as Bruce sat on the floor, head in his hands. He walked up to the cockpit to see Clint gearing up for takeoff.

“Where`s Nat?”

Clint sighed, rubbing a hand over his face. He gestured to the seat next to him. Under the dash in front of the passenger seat, Nat was curled up with blankets, hiding as she blankly stared into space.

Clint murmured to Tony, “She hasn’t moved. I found her on the stairs back on the ship and had to carry her here. She`s not snapping out of it.”

Tony watched the usually formidable woman shrink into herself. “What did the witch show her?”

Clint shook his head. “Knowing her past, nothing good. I`m taking you guys to a safehouse; she cant go back yet.”

“I don’t think any of us can go back yet, Clint.” Steve joined in, looking over his shoulder. They all tried to subtlety look back at Bruce, who was still hunched over with classical music blaring through his headphones. Thor sat next to him, trying to provide some comfort. 

A whimper from Natasha brought them all back to the present. Steve backed away and Clint frantically looked back and forth between Nat and the controls. “Shit, I–“

“I got this, Clint.” Tony said, crouching down as he made the passenger seat fold into the floor. Carefully sitting down in front of Natasha, he made sure to not crowd her space.

“Hey Nat, its ok. You`re here with us now.” She continued to stare through him.

Tony fidgeted with his hands. “Okay, so story time. Once when I was young, my parents took me out to the country, meeting some fancy rich people and socializing. I ran off and started hanging out with the kids on the next farm over. Those were the best days of my childhood. Can you imagine me, mucking stalls and herding cows and all? Me neither, I can barely believe that I did that. That was before my father started demanding that I pull my weight, I was probably four or five. But it was so wonderful, so free. To just be a kid and not worry about getting mud on my suit.” Tony finished, laughing quietly.

She didn’t respond, barely even blinked. Tony sighed and scooted a tiny bit closer.

“Nat, did I ever tell you how much that night meant to me? When you told me to spend my last days with whoever I wanted, doing whatever I wanted? I didn’t really know what that was, at first. I didn’t know who I wanted because I was too afraid to attach to anything, afraid that it would be taken away. But I`ve decided, Nat. This team, this whole saving the world thing we`ve got? Our crazy dysfunctional family and communal living? This is it.”

“We don’t know when our last days will be in this business, we don’t know whether the next threat we face will be our last. But I want to spend every second of the rest of my life with you guys. You inspired me to fight for this, Nat. I don’t know what`s going through your head right now but try to fight for this too. Our family isn’t family without you.”

Nat didn’t respond but shakily reached out, hand extending from her blanket nest and hesitantly grasped Tony`s hand. He squeezed it once, then sat in silence for the rest of the flight as Nat dozed off.

Clint looked over at them. “That`s a really big deal, you know. Letting you touch her. And the fact that she initiated it.”

Tony nodded. “What are you saying, Clint?”

Clint frowned. “I`m saying don’t fuck it up. Don’t think I haven’t noticed the looks and the touches and the little smiles. You only know her from what she`s let you know. You need to be prepared for everything that is her. She`s not Pepper; if she lets herself love you, she will need you. Don’t fuck it up.”

Tony nodded firmly as Clint piloted the Quinjet to land. As the ramp lowered, Tony glanced outside. They were on the edges of a forest, in a field. A farmhouse sat in the near distance with a barn and white picket fence. A small smile crossed his face as he turned back to the team.

“So where are we?” he asked Clint. Clint turned from making sure everything was secured and walked over to Nat. “A safehouse,” he shot over his shoulder.

Clint crouched down to Natasha as Tony joined him. “Hey Tasha? Its time to wake up, we`re home.”

She jumped awake but her eyes remained unfocused as she shrunk away from them.

“Nat, its okay. We`ve got you,” Clint crooned as he nodded to Tony. Together, they carefully pulled her out from under the dash and up to a standing position. Shifting her weight onto himself, Clint whispered, “I`ve got her. Let`s go.” 

\--- Let Your Heart Hold Fast: Ford Atlantic  
“Every inch revealed  
As my heart is pierced  
Oh my soul is now exposed…  
To believe I walk alone  
Is a lie that I've been told  
So let your heart hold fast  
For this soon shall pass  
There`s another hill ahead.”

Tony fell behind as Clint basically carried Natasha up the walk to the farmhouse. The rest of the team followed, not speaking. Everyone seemed just as unnerved by Nat`s dissociation. Nat was the constant; she was always strong and smart and collected. Things felt wrong, like they were really truly falling apart this time.

Entering the house, Clint whispered to Natasha, “Its okay, Tasha, we`re home.” He carefully maneuvered her to curl up on an armchair in the living room. The house was cozy, cramped and sunlit. 

Clint broke the silence. “Honey? I`m home!” Confused, the boys looked around as Nat sat catatonic on the chair, unseeing.

Suddenly, a heavily pregnant brunette wandered into the living room, a slight look of shock on her face as she saw who was in her living room. Speechless, she was swept up in Clint`s arms. “I brought company, sorry I didn’t call ahead.”

He turned back to the team. “Guys, this is my wife Laura.”

She smiled. “I know all of your names.” She smirked a little, aware of the irony of the situation.

“DADDY!” Two little voices burst into the tense atmosphere and Clint scooped up two children in a big hug. Tony was speechless. This was a whole Barton clan. Hit with guilt, he wondered how often the kids got to see their dad, regretting every time he called Clint in. 

For explanation, Clint shrugged. “Fury helped me set this up. Kept it off the radar and I`d like to keep it that way.”

Tony made eye contact with Clint and nodded sharply. He hoped Clint could see his apologies in his eyes. Suddenly, the little girl spoke. “Where`s Aunty Nat?”

Tony`s heart dropped again as Clint wavered to answer. This was a family and he felt like he was intruding. This was supposed to be Clint and Nat`s secret; he wasn’t supposed to be here.

The painful silence of hesitation was interrupted by a flash of red in his peripheral vision. “Why don’t you ask her yourself?”

Turning in shock, Tony watched as the young girl ran to Natasha and was swept up in a moment. Barely standing, still mostly unseeing, he watched Nat steel herself and force herself to put on a mask for the kids. Tony wondered how many times she had put that same mask on for him. He watched as she hugged the boy and headed over slowly to talk to Laura. Clint walked over to Tony, Bruce, Steve, and Thor. 

“Their names are Cooper and Lila, with Nathaniel on the way. They know how to keep this quiet. We can stay here as long as we need, we have the room and Nat needs to recover.”

Thor barged past. “I need to leave.” The men exchanged glances. “I`ll follow him,” Steve said before chasing after the god. Bruce went to speak but Clint cut him off.

“Bruce, its okay. I trust you. You`re staying, no questions. Trust yourself, okay?” Clint clapped Bruce on the shoulder, concerned.

Tony turned to Clint. “Barton, I`m so sorry, if I`d had known–“

“Its okay, Tony. Family is what you make it and I`ve been lucky enough to have two.” Clint and Tony both turned as Steve walked back in, dejectedly. “He`s gone.”

“Hey there, we`re not going to do that.” Laura`s worried voice caused the boys to turn, watching Nat collapse against her. Tony was at her side in an instant, sweeping Nat into his arms as Clint steadied his wife on her feet. The kids watched in fear. “Is Aunty Nat okay?” Cooper asked.

Clint looked at his son, stroking his arm. “Aunty Nat`s really tired. Can you two go make her some of her special tea and some snacks?” Lila and Cooper turned and rushed off to the kitchen, casting worried glances behind them. 

Laura and Clint exchanged looks. Laura kissed her husband`s cheek. “Take her upstairs, I`ll get our other guests settled.” As she walked over to Bruce and Steve, Tony turned back to Clint, who ran a hand over his face. “Are you okay with her? I`ll take you up to her room.”

Tony shifted the woman in his arms as she curled in on herself, tucking her head into Tony`s neck. He nodded to Clint and they made their way upstairs.

\--- Secrets(Cellar Door): Radical Face  
“You dug up your old bird, and you held her to your chest as I breathed life back into her lungs  
And she blinked and flapped her wings, she sang a familiar song  
Before she took to the air and cut a path into the woods.”

Clint opened the door to a bedroom and gestured Tony inside. Carefully maneuvering to not hit Nat on the doorframe, he walked in. He was shocked. The room was painted a midnight blue, with constellations everywhere. White curtains fluttered as Clint opened a window. The bed was neatly made, with soft blankets and a stuffed elephant on it. Laying Nat down, he walked around the room while Clint pulled a first aid kit out of the nightstand and got to work. 

A white horizontal dresser stood against the wall with a mirror above it, opposite the bed. Numerous items sat on top of it; a music box, a pair of red pointe shoes and a pair of battered ones, a small jewelry box, and about ten drawings and coloring pages from the kids. 

A series of framed photos sat there as well; of Nat smiling with baby Lila, of playing on the floor with Cooper, one caught mid-laugh in the kitchen with Laura, another with her arms slung around Clint, and one of them all smiling in DisneyWorld, with mouse ears on all their heads. 

A tall white armoire stood next to it, door propped open like it was left in a hurry. A few weapons sat on the floor but it was mostly full of hanging dresses and huge sweatshirts.

Tony looked away, feeling like he was intruding on a side of Natasha that she didn’t trust him with yet. This room was a home, a safe place for her, and a stark contrast to her room at the Compound, which was bare of anything non-essential. This place was lived in. Tony turned back to Clint, watching as he finished wiping away the bits of blood and ash on Nat`s face. Closing the kit with a sigh, he tucked it back in the drawer. He pulled the covers up to her chin and kissed her forehead, then leaving the door open and leading Tony downstairs.

\--- Build It Better: Aron Wright  
“Sometimes, something so broken can never be fixed  
So we saved a few things that were spared  
And brought it to the ground  
Cause you always build it better the second time around.”

The sun was going down as they walked into the kitchen. Lila was currently pulling Steve toward the door, talking about some rope swing in the barn that she could climb and she bet he couldn’t. Cooper was sitting on the floor with Bruce, subtlety sitting so that Bruce had to help him with the Lego set he was building, quietly drawing him out of his depression. Laura bustled in the kitchen as Clint came up behind her and kissed her neck. She hummed and relaxed into him before gesturing that he cut up some broccoli. Tony wavered at the foot of the steps, unsure of his place.

“Tony, come set the table, will you?” Laura asked, smiling softly at him. Tony nodded, grateful.

“Of course, Mrs. Barton.”

“Laura, please.”

He set the table for eight just as the oven timer went off. Only jumping slightly, he watched as Laura went to open the oven before stopping, laughing breathlessly.

“Clint, I`m eight months pregnant and I can’t bend over. Can you get the chicken out?”

The smell of fried chicken filled the air as Clint laughed, pulling the chicken out and carrying it over to the table. Tony`s mouth watered as Laura carried over the tray of vegetables as well.

“Honey, go rescue the good Captain from our daughter please?” Laura asked Clint, pouring milk for the kids.

Grabbing a beer for Clint, she turned to Tony. “Do you want a beer as well?”

“Please, Laura.” Tony noticed gratefully that she poured water for both him and Bruce as well. As she handed him his beer, she paused.

“You`re good for her, you know. You`ve known her almost as long as Clint has; you know Natasha but you don’t know Natalia. I think you`ll understand her and I trust you.”

Tony swallowed. “I just don’t know how to help her now. I know panic attacks, I know nightmares. I know feeling like you`re trapped in your past and reliving it, like every good thing you have will be taken away. But I don’t understand her memories; I don’t have the experience and abuse and trauma that she has experienced. How do I help her if I don’t even know?”

Laura maneuvered herself into a chair at the table. “Tony, everything I just heard is exactly what she needs. She doesn’t need another Red Room victim to understand her; it might do more damage, trapping her in her own head. Who she needs is someone who understands how to get her out of there.”

Clint came back in the front door; Steve followed with Lila attached to his leg, giggling the whole way in. Plopping her in her chair, Steve came around to sit next to Tony. Bruce and Cooper followed as Clint sat down. Everyone silently looked to Nat`s empty place.

“Should I–“

“Do you want me to–“

“Where`s–“

Clint, Steve, and Lila started to talk over each other all at once before cutting off.

Laura cleared her throat. “Aunty Nat`s taking a nap, we`ll take her tea and snacks up when we`re done.”

The family held hands, linking up with the boys. Tony was surprised; he didn’t think Barton was religious.

“We survived yesterday, we got through today, and we will live tomorrow. We have our family, we have our friends, and wherever they are, home will be.”

Tony teared up as Steve and Bruce both sniffled, touched. Dinner quickly devolved into laughter and mini food fights as the kids clamored for attention.

\---Trenches and Charms: Jon Bryant  
“Oh what do I do with this love of mine?  
Do I break all the rules, or draw back to the line?  
Oh I'm starting to wonder,  
Are we any closer,  
Our hearts growing fonder?”

All too soon, dinner was over. The joy of the children was cleared away as Clint and Laura took them upstairs for bed. Steve and Bruce began clearing the table as Tony picked up the tray of tea and snacks for Natasha. Heading upstairs, he paused outside her door when he heard whispers.

“We love you, Aunty Nat.”

“You`re the best aunt anybody ever had.”

“Please get better soon so we can go on adventures.”

Smiling, Tony crept into her room. Cooper and Lila were crowded on her bed, cuddled around her, as Clint gently stroked her back. Nat wrapped her arms around them and kissed their foreheads as Clint stood.

“All righty, kiddos. Time for bed for everybody.” Scooping them up onto his shoulders, they giggled as Clint started to carry them out. He smiled at Tony before disappearing down the hall.

Tony walked over to Nat and set the tea down on her side table. She was lost in thought, staring at the new drawings and coloring pages spread out before her. She gently traced the kids` names as Tony climbed up next to her.

“They`re good kids.” Tony said. “They love you lots.” He passed the tea mug to her, waiting as she drank.

A ghost of a smile flitted over Nat`s face. “And I love them,” she whispered. “That`s what makes it so hard.”

“What, Tasha?” He took the mug and pressed a biscuit into her hands.

She ate the biscuit, silence echoing around them. Finally, she sighed, closing her eyes. “This. Family. Love. I don’t deserve it.”

Tony gently reached out and took her hand. “Yes, you do, Tasha. If anyone does, you do. I don’t know what you saw, I don’t know what goes on in that beautiful strong mind. But this is real. Whatever you saw isn’t real anymore. This is what`s important.”

One tear escaped her eye as she shuddered. Tony squeezed her hand. “Is it okay if I hold you, Tasha?”

She nodded, so Tony carefully wrapped his arms around her and leaned back against the headboard. She curled into him as tears silently ran down her face, soaking Tony`s chest.

“I cant talk about it, Tony, I cant.” She whispered brokenly. Tony stroked her hair.

“Then don’t, Tasha. You don’t need to explain yourself to me. I`m here anyway.”

As she drifted off in his arms, Tony wondered when the spy had let him in so close to her heart. When did Natashalie become Tasha? When did Stark become Tony? Was this something, what they were becoming, or was this just a moment of weakness, of needing to merely not be alone?

When he was sure she was asleep, Tony kissed her forehead and slipped his arms out from under her, laying her down and tucking her in. With one last glance, he slipped out of the room.

\--- Promise: Ben Howard  
“And promise me this  
you'll wait for me only  
scared of the lonely arms  
Surface  
Far below these words  
Maybe  
Just maybe  
I'll come home  
Who am i,  
darling, to you?”

Clint waits until 11 in the morning before freaking out.

After breakfast, it was time for chores on the farm. Clint, Lila, and Cooper took Bruce down to work on a section of the fence that was broken in a storm while Laura set Steve and Tony to work chopping firewood. Laura was busy in the kitchen making Natasha`s favorite cookies and waiting for her to wake up. Around 11 am, Clint started to worry. Nat never slept in this late. His HawkDad senses began to tingle; something was wrong. Leaving the kids with Bruce, assuring him that he would be fine, he headed up to the house.

Watching him go, Tony left the firewood and tailed after him. He entered the house just as Clint walked upstairs. Tony made his way over to Laura. 

“What are you making?” He asked, pouring himself a glass of water from the sink.

She rolled out some dough on the counter. “Marzipan cookies. They`re her favorite.”

Setting down his glass, he nodded at the workspace. “Teach me?”

She smiled and moved over. Tony rolled up his sleeves. As she showed him how to roll out the dough and cut it, Clint`s voice shouted down the stairs.

“Laura? I need some help up here!”

Both their hands froze. Then Laura tore off her apron. “Keep working, Tony. I`ll be back.” As she took off upstairs, Tony tried to focus on deep breathing. Knead the dough. Roll the dough. Cut the dough. The pattern repeated. He listened as hushed voices drifted downstairs, followed by rustling. Laura came downstairs quickly, face white as a sheet.

“Clint needs you upstairs. I can`t help with this.” She gestured to her stomach. As Tony rinsed his hands off, she came up behind him.

“Don’t panic when you see her.” She whispered, hand at his elbow. He nodded, heart pounding.

“Did she–“ She was too quiet last night, he shouldn’t have left her.

Laura nodded, placing a razor in the sink with tears in her eyes. His face paled as he tried not to dash up the stairs. Wiping his hands on his pants he entered the room.

\--- Here With Me: Susie Su, Robot Koch  
“Calling your name in the midnight hour  
Reaching for you from the endless dream  
So many miles between us now  
But you are always here with me.”

TRIGGER WARNING: SELF HARM

When he walked into the room, Nat was curled up in a blanket nest in the middle of the bed, staring blankly out the window. Clint crouched down beside the bed, stroking her hair and trying to get her to respond. He glanced up when Tony arrived and his face was frozen in fear. He gestured him to come over but not crowd her. Tony swallowed as he began to crouch down near Clint, sitting on the floor to watch as Clint tried to coax her out. He felt sick.

“Tasha, love, come on out. I`m not angry at you.” Clint crooned, gently stroking where her shoulder should be under the blankets. The mass of blankets shook and a tiny whimper escaped. Clint carefully reached into the blanket puddle and pulled out a Natasha arm, followed by a Natasha.

Her face was red and splotchy, streaked with tears and snot. She shook like a leaf, eyes focusing in and out as she breathed heavily. Tony started to tear up; he had never seen this woman before. Not Natalie, not Natashalie, not Back Widow, not Romanoff, not Natasha. This, this was different. This hurt.

She winced as Clint carefully peeled off her long sleeve shirt; black, Tony noticed. She already knew how to hide them. How long had she been doing this? How long had he not noticed?

Clint froze and Tony was afraid to look. All he could see was the blood and Clint`s shoulders drooping.

“Oh Natasha,” Clint sighed, close to tears.

At that she broke. A small stutter escaped her lips. “I-i-i`m s-s-sorry, I t-t-t-tried not t-t-t-o.” Tears poured down her cheeks as she tried to shrink away from Clint`s hand on her arm. He let go of her hand but reached around, holding the back of her neck and leaning his forehead against hers.

“I know you tried, kiddo. I know.”

Another moment passed until Clint spoke again. “Let`s get you cleaned up, okay?”

As she began to nod, she caught sight of Tony at Clint`s side and froze. A tense moment passed as Clint and Tony tried to evaluate what she would do.

“I d-d-d-idn’t w-w-w-ant you t-t-t-o see me l-l-l-ike this.” She whispered, almost imperceptible. 

Tony crept forward as Clint backed up a little. “Tasha, I want to see all of you; the broken parts, the happy parts, the parts that scare me shitless. Everything or nothing, honey.” He gently and cautiously reached out to cradle her face. 

“I`m so sorry. I wasn’t here for you, I should’ve stayed, I should’ve thought. I left you last night, I didn’t check in on you, I didn’t even think to, I`m so fucking sorry–“ 

He was stopped as she reached out a shaking hand to press a finger against his lips.

“Sh-sh-sh-ut up, S-t-t-ark.”

He smiled wryly through his tears. “There she is.”

Clint squeezed his shoulder. “Tasha, we`re going to get you into the tub and clean you up, okay?” 

She froze slightly but nodded, eyes starting to turn glassy. Tony swooped her up and carried her into the adjacent bathroom. Setting her down on the toilet lid, he turned to start the water as Clint crouched in front of her, slowly setting his hands on her waist.

“Tasha, I have to take your pants off now. Is that okay?” 

With that, her body started to seize, trapped in a memory once more. Tony maneuvered himself behind her, holding her against his chest in a moment. She started to thrash until Tony carefully but firmly pressed her face into his neck.

“Tasha, we`ve got you, its okay, we`re okay. Shhh, honey, you`re here. Its me and Clint and Laura`s downstairs and the kids are outside. You`re here on the farm, not there.”

Once she calmed down enough, he continued to hold her as Clint peeled her leggings off, leaving her in her sports bra and underwear. The amount of red standing out against her pale skin blinded Tony for a moment.

Her arms and thighs were shredded, littered with lines that her pain was seeping through. Tony wanted to throw up. There was a time when Tony Stark would have made a comment about finally seeing the Black Widow naked but that Tony was dead. This Tony would give up everything, his fortune, his suits, anything, to not see what was in front of him now. Tears streamed down his face as he looked to Clint.

“What do you want me to do?”

“Get her in the tub, I`m going to get the kit.”

He carefully climbed out from behind Natasha and picked her up, sitting down with her in the tub. He forgot he was fully clothed as he wondered whether the kit was in her side table for this exact situation, whether this was a frequent occurrence. 

He thought he knew Natasha. He realized that he didn’t know her at all.

Clint came back with the kit and started cleaning her up. The cuts weren’t deep but there were too many of them, lined up methodically in neat rows, overlapping old scars. The water turned a rosy color, which was quickly drained by Clint and refilled as he continued to work.

Natasha became limp in his arm, exhausted, and watched Clint work, suddenly breaking the silence.

“I was back there.”

\--- Drown: Seafret  
“Who will make me fight?  
Drag me out alive?  
Save me from myself  
Don't let me drown.”

“I was back there.”

Clint froze momentarily, eyes flitting up to Tony before he continued gently cleaning. Tony took a deep breath; he didn’t know much about Natasha`s past but he was about to.

“In the studio. With Madame and all the others. The girls who kept disappearing. The endless practices. Pushing and pushing and pushing because you knew that if you faltered even once, you wouldn’t come back. Staining the floor with their blood. Dancing in that and knowing no matter how hard you scrubbed your shoes, the blood would never come out. That’s why all our shoes were red. All our hands were stained.”

“I remembered the ceremony. Bits and pieces. Being afraid. Being cold. Not knowing what they were taking until they had taken it.”

Her voice got softer. “I remember being broken in, like a pair of pointe shoes. And they just handed me a new tutu afterwards, a new leotard, new tights. Madame scooping my hairpins off the floor and pouring them into my hand. Still having to dance the next day while he sat at the piano, playing away.”

“I remember the look in my classmates` eyes as I killed them. Every last one. Girls who cried beside me at night when our wrists bled from being handcuffed to the bed. Girls who taught me how to uncuff myself with my feet or a hidden hairpin. Girls who I snuck candy to, stole a rare giggle with under our beds, I looked them in the eyes and shot a bullet through their brain instead.”

“I remember carving my name into my bed, repeating it every morning, breathing it in and out as I struggled to dance on broken and bleeding toes, ‘My name is Natalia Alianovna Romanova and I am strong. My name is Natalia Alianovna Romanova and I am strong. My name is Natalia Alianovna Romanova and I am–’ she broke off with a sob.

“That’s not my name.” she whispered.

She pushed off of Tony, grasping at Clint. “Why are they still in my head? Why are they–“

She ran out of breath to speak and tears to cry, just collapsing into Clint as he held her. Tony became aware of the water around him as he sat empty, heart aching. 

“Nat, I have to ask. Do you have anything else hiding around?” Clint asked, gently pushing the woman off his chest to search her face. She shook her head. “You know I don’t use anything from work.”

Tony shivered, hearing her separate “work knives” from others. Carefully, he stood up as Clint passed him a towel. Wrapping it around Natasha, he let Clint carry her back to the bedroom. Draining the tub, he tried to process all this new information. A few moments later, he heard Laura`s voice in the bedroom as Clint slipped in with another towel and a change of clothes for Tony. He stared at Tony with red-rimmed eyes.

“You don’t get to leave her now, you understand? She trusted you with all of that; you`re in this now, one way or another.” He could tell Clint was trying to be threatening, trying to exude “shovel talk”, but they both were too exhausted to pretend it was anything other than fear and love.

Tony nodded. “Clint, I`m not going anywhere. It`s taken five years for us to get here, I sure as hell am not walking away now.”

Clint nodded, exhaustion and despair creeping over his features. Tony reached out and hugged him. “You did good, Clint. If its not my fault, its not your fault either.”

Clint clung to him for a moment, both men sharing their pain. Eventually, they took a deep breath and headed back into the room.

\--- Someone to Stay: Vancouver Sleep Clinic  
“You've been fighting the memory, on your own  
Nothing worsens; nothing grows  
I know how it feels being by yourself in the rain  
We all need someone to stay.”

They ended up bringing Natasha downstairs, arms and thighs bandaged and covered by sweatpants and one of Clint`s oversized hoodies.

“She needs the kids,” Laura whispered, gently maneuvering a cup of tea and marzipan cookie into Natasha`s hands. “They`ll bring her out of this.”

Tony settled in beside her, pulling Natasha into his lap as they ate. 

Laura pulled Clint aside. “The phone rang.” They shared a look and silent conversation before Clint started walking to the door. “Hey Steve!” Tony heard him call. “I was wondering if you could take a look at my tractor, out in the barn!”

Tony knew there was a lie in there somewhere but returned his attention to the woman in his arms. He kissed the top of her hoodie-covered head. “I`m not going anywhere, Tasha, not anymore. Never again. I`m staying.”

Her only reply was leaning further into his chest and Tony`s heart skipped a beat. That was reply enough for him.

Laura came over to join them, carrying a plate of marzipan cookies. She settled into the couch beside them and leaned her head on Nat`s shoulder. They took in a moment of silence together, the two women speaking without words.

The kids bounded into the living room, dragging Bruce behind them. “Aunty Nat! Dr Bruce hasn’t seen Lilo and Stitch!”

Nat smiled softly. “Well then get on up here, kiddos. There`s some cozy blankets with your names on them.”

Grinning, the kids bounced onto the couch, squeezing in between the part that was a tangle of Nat/Tony and Laura. Zeroing in on the tray of cookies, they squealed before Laura laughed and passed them a few. Bruce stood awkwardly at the door until Laura scooched over, patting the seat next to her. Before he knew it, Dr Banner was sitting on the couch with tea in his hands. 

As the movie started, Tony watched as Natasha ran her hands through the kids` hair with a soft smile on her face. Yeah, this was good. He also watched Bruce, smiling as Bruce realized along with Stitch that he was not a monster, that he was forgivable. And if every single person on that couch cried at the end, no one will ever know.

\--- Two of Us on the Run: Lucius  
“There are two of us on the run.  
Going so fast every doubt we had is coming undone.  
Falling behind with everything we left there.  
We hold on for far too long.  
And now we have so many people on the road.  
They could come along  
I wish they had been told it.”

No one was surprised when Nick Fury showed up to dinner, following a sheepish Steve through the front door. Clint and Laura tensed, knowing he was here but saying nothing. 

The kids weren’t intimidated, having just watched Cobra Bubbles face off with Lilo and Nani. They instead giggled about his eyepatch and pirate career all through dinner before being hustled off to bed. Laura slipped Nat painkillers with her water and no one noticed or said a thing.

After Fury`s rousing “We need the Avengers even though you fucked up” speech, Clint followed Fury out to the porch. Naturally, Tony slid behind the door, listening to their hushed voices.

“She`s not going.”

“Are you telling me how to do my job, Barton? We need the Avengers.”

“Yeah, the Avengers minus Nat. She`s not cleared for this. She`s not okay.”

“Agent Barton–“

“First of all, I`m not your goddamn agent anymore. Second of all, you`re standing here on my property so what I say goes. Nat is not ready, she`s staying here. I`ll go out and do all your dirty work for you but Nat stays here.”

Fury sighed. “Barton, I understand your concern but this is what she signed up for.”

“You`re right, Fury. She did sign up for this. But what she didn’t sign up for was 19 years of childhood trauma and abuse and a gun being pushed into her hand before she could talk. She didn’t sign up for waking up in a cold sweat, screaming, every night I`ve been with her. She didn’t sign up for a coping mechanism that consists solely of tearing her own skin apart until she can feel like her pain is gone. When you’ve lived her life, then come back and tell me that she`s mission ready. Until then, go fuck yourself.”

Clint continued. “She will take orders and go into the field tomorrow because that’s what she`s been trained to do. Its been beaten into her; that’s all she knows. She knows to take orders or be killed. She shuts herself down, closes herself off, and completes the goddamn mission, while undoing years of progress and therapy and I will not stand for it this time. Nat is not going tomorrow. Either take her place or get off my property.”

Tony felt pride swell when no response was heard. He didn’t see Natasha behind him, face pale and set, having heard every word. He didn’t see her slip away upstairs or the thud of the ground as she slipped out the window and away.

\--- Still You Won’t Let Go: Nathan Colberg  
I need the lovers' arms, strong  
Story that's untold  
We got barrels in our bones  
And we're afraid to fire and, oh, all of this time  
We keep falling forward  
And still you won't let go

“Where`s Nat?” Tony asked, hands shaking as he entered the living room. Clint sighed, running his hand over his face while Laura rubbed his shoulders at the kitchen table.

“She heard Fury and I, didn’t she?” He closed his eyes while Laura smiled sadly.

“Well, she is a spy, love.”

“I heard you too and I`m definitely not a spy.” Tony interjected, feeling a little like a kid watching Mom and Dad argue.

Clint dropped his head into his hands. “Was I wrong, Laura? Was I wrong to ground her here? She`s not ready but what if she gets worse because she`s not doing her job, not being useful?”

Laura shushed her husband. “Nat`s not used to being protected but she needs protecting. Especially right now. She needs to heal.”

Clint picked his head up and zeroed in on Tony. “Well, are you going to go get her or what?”

Tony froze. “Where did she go?”

Laura smiled. “She probably ran out to the hill.” Grabbing a small container, she filled it with marzipan cookies.

“Go out to the edge of the property; past the fence, there`s a little hill. She runs out there when she needs to think.”

Tony nodded, taking the container. As he turned to go, Clint called him.

“Stark?”

Tony walked back to the table.

Clint sighed. “When I was sent to eliminate her, I really was going to do it. I didn’t see her as a person, I saw her as a mission. Until I saw the scars on her arms and the fear in her eyes, I was going to finish the mission.”

“Don’t treat her like a mission, like something to be fixed, to be dissected and put back together again. People aren’t machines; she doesn’t even know how her brain works and she`s lived with it. You can’t understand it either so don’t even try.”

“Sometimes, you can’t complete the mission. Sometimes, all you can do is survive it. That’s what Tasha does; she survives. Right now, she needs a reason to.”

“I saved her last time, brought her back from the Red Room`s thumb. I gave her a home in SHIELD, a reason to survive. Now that home is gone and she needs someone to bring her home again.”

“Believe it or not, Stark, I don’t hate you. Nowhere near it, in fact. I would trust my Tasha with you before Captain Spangles or Bruce.”

Tony was shocked. “Why?” he whispered.

“Because you understand her, Tony. You understand surviving. You understand the nightmares, and the not knowing, and the fear of it all, but most importantly, you understand how to keep surviving. Nobody else on this team does. Nobody else knows how to keep fighting when they`ve lost everything except for you.”

Tony teared up at the admission. 

“Go find her, Tony. Bring our girl home.”

\--- Youth(Live from Spotify Stockhom): Daughter  
“And if you're in love, then you are the lucky one,  
'Cause most of us are bitter over someone.  
Setting fire to our insides for fun,  
To distract our hearts from ever missing them.”

He found her on the hill, curled up with her knees to her chest and staring out at the stars. He didn’t try to be quiet, simply sunk down onto the grass beside her. He let the silence swell between them until she broke it.

“Did I ever apologize?”

He quirked an eyebrow in confusion. “For what?”

“For lying to you. For Natalie.”

He paused, unsure of how to respond or whether she even wanted him to. She pushed on.

“It’s what I do, it’s what I`ve been taught to do. I`ve lied for so long, I don’t even know who I am.”

He offered her a cookie, which she took.

“And then I think about my past, about everything in that place and it terrifies me. What if none of this is me? What if all of this is just because of them and I`m just the woman who blanks out and has panic attacks and terrible coping mechanisms and pushes everyone away?”

She sighed. “I didn’t want to lie to you, you know.”

He blinked.

“I was tired of it all. I told Fury that if he wanted your trust, then he should just treat you like a person. But I didn’t follow through.”

She snorted. “Iron Man: yes. Tony Stark: not recommended.” She took a swig of a bottle he didn’t even know she had. His heart sunk; those words haunted him, as much as he hated to admit it. Just another reason why he`s only worth what he can give.

“Stop thinking that.” He froze.

“Oh so you can read minds now?” he joked lightly, nudging her shoulder with his own.

She sighed, taking another drink. “I didn’t say that on my report because I thought you were useless.”

Tony couldn’t breathe. He could feel the air tense, charged with anticipation at words which would change everything.

“I wanted to give you a choice. I didn’t want you to be pressured into completing mission after mission, of seeing people blend into bodies. I wanted you to be able to keep Tony Stark safe, far away from Iron Man. I wrote that because I didn’t want Tony Stark to disappear; I wanted you to have a life far away from all of this.”

Tony was speechless. All this time, he thought he was unwanted. Useless. But now to find out that Natasha thought him to be so useful, that she wanted him to be free?

“And then you ended up getting involved anyway. Shouldn’t have been surprised. Then we were all living with you because you’re just too goddamn good and caring and you want to help everyone.”

She laughed brokenly. “And you understand. You understand all of this. Even though I can`t. And you`re still here, why are you still here?”

Tony didn’t put an arm around her, not when the space between them was so fragile. Instead, he placed his hand on the ground next to hers and interlaced their pinkies.

He took a deep breath. “You know I used to ask myself the same question?”

“I used to ask myself, ‘Why am I here? Why can`t I ever do enough?’ I throw myself into designing things and fixing things and trying to fix people but I`ve never realized that that`s important too.”

He rolled up his sleeve. “We match, you know. I used to do the same. When Howard died and I couldn’t cry because he never loved me anyway. After Afghanistan. The nightmares after the wormhole. During the whole Mandarin thing. It was how I coped, how I made the pain go away for just a moment, so I could breathe. Except it didn’t work like that. It was killing me. It was carving into my skin the mantra that I was useless unless I was doing something.”

Natasha leaned her head on his shoulder. “We`re quite the pair, aren’t we?”

\---Weight: Crywolf  
“I know you want me  
But I've come close enough for now  
Oh God, you haunt me  
I'm scared you'll leave me in the ground.”

Tony breathed in the smell of her hair, heart pounding in his chest. “I wasn’t leading you on, back then. Granted, I didn’t know what I was doing, I thought I had it all together. I didn’t know you. But I wasn’t lying; I trusted you then and I trust you now.”

She pulled away and turned to face him. Tears swam in her eyes, matching his own.

“We`re both a little broken, yeah?”

She nodded. “But still good?” she asked quietly.

He didn’t breathe. “Yeah, still good.”

Tears spilled out of their eyes as they smiled. He gently reached out, picking up her arm.

“These don’t define you, okay? It breaks my heart that we match, that I wasn’t there, but I love you. Every single part of you. These included.” He kissed her scars as she reached out and tangled her fingers in his hair.

For a moment, they just lay there, in awe of these confessions. She continued stroking his hair.

“I`m terrified,” she admitted. 

“Me too.”

“I`ve never done this,” she added.

“Me neither. Not truly, not like this.”

Tony looked up at Tasha, framed by the stars. “So what are you going to do?”

Her fingers stopped for a moment. “I`m not going tomorrow.”

He breathed a sigh of relief.

“Clint`s right, I need time. I`ve always just followed orders, obeyed, kept going. But I can`t do it anymore. I need–“

He sat up. “What do you need, Natasha?” he whispered.

Her eyes met his. “Home. I need to find home.”

His hand reached up to her face. “I`m going tomorrow. But I`m going to come back and then we`ll go find home, yeah?”

She smiled and Tony realized he had never seen that bright of a smile on her face. She reached up to mirror him and her hands were gentle, afraid that they might break this new thing, this new fragile happiness.

\---Lift Me Up: Mree  
“You come around and light up everything  
You stun me with your smile and all you bring  
You come around and make me wanna sing  
You make me wanna sing my fears away.”

When poets and authors said that the world froze before a first kiss, Tony never believed them. 

But sitting here under the stars with Natasha, everything stopped. All the pain, all the fear, all of the wrong. Nothing clicked into place, no shining beacons or angel chorus announced an end to suffering or an answer to life. But the world stopped and for just a moment, two people were able to take a second to believe that they could catch up and outrun the life which threatened to drown them.

There were no sparks when their lips met, just an overwhelming sense of rightness. Of peace. They both cried as they cradled each other. The memories stopped and the present swirled into focus around them. Tears were wiped away, scars were shown kindness, aching hearts were held.

Natasha and Tony stopped whispering secrets to the stars and helped each other up. They swayed together in the night, dancing to silent music as they held each other. Arm in arm, side pressed against side, they slipped through the night back to the house.

Neither one of them slept alone that night. There were no nightmares, no shaking panic, no blood. They quietly climbed into bed together and curled around each other, feeling safe from the world and themselves. 

And for the first time, neither one of them ran.

\--- Brave: Riley Pierce  
“You're scared 'cause I am too  
This feeling in my head is being there for too long  
We sleep now with the light on,  
But shadows make shapes in the light  
And I don't know what they might be!”

The sun was barely shining through the window when Clint slipped into Nat`s room. He knew he`d find them both there and gently shook Tony awake. Blearily, he nodded, turning to Natasha. Clint headed back downstairs, a soft smile on his face. She would be okay.

Tony stroked Nat`s arm. “Tasha?”

“Mmmm?”

“It`s time.”

She rolled over, staring into his eyes. She scanned his face, trying to memorize every last detail. He stopped her, grasping her hand tightly.

“I`ll come back to you. I promise. This is the first good thing that the world can’t take away from you.”

She smiled softly. “That’s because you`re too stubborn.”

He chuckled. They both sat up, Tasha throwing on another oversized sweatshirt. She followed him to his room and watched as he got ready to leave. Before they could head downstairs, she stopped him.

“Just in case,” she whispered, and slipped a knife into his hand. Looking down, he saw it was one of her favorites. He had made them for her last Christmas. He remembered the look on her face when she opened them, a look of awe and disbelief that they were hers.

He looked into her eyes and saw it all. That she knew she couldn’t be there to protect him this time, so at least she would be able to protect him in this way. He nodded, putting it away before wrapping his arms around her.

“I will come back.”

She kissed him, gentle but confident. “I know you will. I trust you.”

They made their way downstairs, eating a quick breakfast. Tony exchanged a smile with Laura as she pressed tea into Natasha`s hands and a kiss to her cheek. Laura hugged him before he went.

“You brought her home, Tony.”

He smiled. “Well, this place is pretty much perfect.”

She laughed quietly before helping him into his jacket. “Not here, Stark.” She pressed a hand against his heart. “Here.”

As they walked off to the Quinjet and the unknown, Tony looked back to see Natasha on the porch. She remained there until the Quinjet took off, when Laura coaxed her back inside with jelly toast and the promise of a Lila and Cooper adventure.

\--- Mess is Mine: Vance Joy  
“You're the reason that I feel so strong  
The reason that I'm hanging on  
You know you gave me all that time  
Did I give enough of mine  
Hold on, darling  
This body is yours, this body is yours and mine  
Hold on my darling  
This mess was yours, now your mess is mine.”

Tony stumbled out of the Quinjet onto the Barton family farm. Both Clint and the Speedster kid were alive, thanks to Nat`s knife. However, the team thought it best to drop the twins off at the Compound before Clint and Tony headed back, to avoid any possible triggers for Natasha. She would understand in time but not quite yet.

She was waiting on the porch, hair tangled and an oversized sweatshirt covering her legs. Clint reached her first, tucking her into his chest before nudging her on. 

She met Tony halfway up the walk, hesitantly slipping her arms around his waist. They both breathed a sigh of relief.

“You`re here. You came back.”

He kissed her head. “I always will.”

Together, they chose to be still and if they had to run, they would run together.

“And the two of us  
Will become just enough.”  
\---Two of Us: Mike Edel

**Author's Note:**

> (sigh) oh guys, you have no idea how much this fic means to me.
> 
> I had the idea for it a few nights ago, then sat down to write it yesterday for twelve hours straight. I needed more Natasha/Tony and needed some healing and resolve from that scene in age of ultron, when they just shove her ptsd aside.
> 
> so i messed with the timeline/plot a little.
> 
> about halfway through, listening to music, i decided it should be a songfic and i should make a playlist. i`ve never done that before but it fell in line so perfectly, it was honestly a miracle.
> 
> Thank you for reading, please leave kudos, comment, tell me how you liked it. I love you all, stay safe!
> 
> Playlist: You Dont Have to be Invincible by Sarai  
> https://open.spotify.com/playlist/3Acl5KermlC3JTprnDMp92?si=bSezF9e4T0O3lfRdVqPTKw


End file.
